Back from NY
What an amazing trip we had to New York. It’s taken me a solid week to decompress.
I’m always kind of shocked at how much a trip across country takes out of me; this one was no exception. The three hour time difference, coupled with falling back out of Daylight Savings time, traveling solo with a toddler, plus all the BIG EVENTS packed into ten days: multiple family gatherings and visits, old-friend meet ups, Halloween, my HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, and on into my birthday...all of it somehow a divinely timed exclamation point on the deep re-examination and releasing of my past I’ve been swimming with this year.
It was pretty epic. No wonder I’ve been exhausted.
The trip was so potent and positive, and truly, my heart is full. But, oh the recovery! It would be easy to chalk it up to simple “tiredness” or jet lag, and that’s certainly part of it, but it’s more layered than that.
No matter how joyful it is to see the people I love, there’s also some shadowy medicine back home. Though I’ve done so much “clearing”, mentally and spiritually, my body still “remembers”; it carries history and has learned ways of holding. Add to this that when I’m “home” (isn’t it funny how your hometown is still somehow, always “home”?), it’s challenging to find quiet time to step away and process. My tribe is big back there and my tendency is to pack activity into every spare minute, “making the most” of my time. Sprinkle parenting into the mix and there’s little (to no) time to go inward. I’m proud that I manage it all pretty gracefully at this point in my life (this was not always the case), but there tends to be a crash once it’s over. I forgot about that part.
Perhaps that’s why I promptly began overeating as soon as we got to the airport to go home... and continued to hurt myself with food up until a few days ago. Old coping mechanisms die hard. Stuffing feelings. Trying to ground myself? Comforting the child inside the adult who had to be so responsible and protective and present, interfacing with the past, and negotiating the present.
Honestly, I sort of collapsed into a mini depression upon returning to LA. Depression might sound like a scary word and it can be, but I've lived with it on and off my entire life, so in a strange way it almost feels like an old friend. An old friend I’m very much trying to give up. I don’t mean to diminish the experience of depression AT ALL. I’m speaking very specifically about mine, which is, of course, unique to me. It seems, in part, to be someplace I go when I’m overwhelmed. Ironically, it can also resurface when life is too good, if things are going too smoothly, after big, happy, successful events...
I’m starting to see it as an unintentional, unconscious kind of sabotage, a way of pulling myself down to a lower vibrational set point because it’s still uncomfortable and unfamiliar to have everything just be good. Some old part of myself is still scared of the good times. They’re not to be trusted. Calamity is always around the corner. I am working hard to let this coping mechanism go.
Or maybe it’s just a physical response to a lot of emotional overload.
Either way, it’s something I’d like to plan for next time. To give myself some time and space to re-integrate. To remind myself that it might take a while - a week, at least - to feel “normal” again, and to prepare for that, supporting myself and honoring my process, instead of jumping back into work the very next day, full steam ahead (which is exactly what I did).
Gentleness and self-care were foreign concepts to me for much of my life; I am still learning to go deeper with these tools. I’ve just started seeing a new body work practitioner to address some of the physical aspects of past trauma; perhaps in the future I won’t have to go through such a bumpy and dramatic re-entry. But in any case, I like the idea of being more prepared, for giving that to myself for next time.
Thankfully, I’m finally feeling like myself again. The fog has lifted, the feelings have lightened and I’m fully present back in my sweet life here in Los Angeles. (My suitcase is still lying open in a heap on my closet floor, but I’m getting to that!) In the meantime, I’m grateful for the long journey home, and all the love I found there.
Here’s just a few great memories from the trip…
Izzy picking her first apple on our family farm, with help from her Nonna.
Toddler cousins hanging out for the first time as non-babies!
Our little unicorn loving Halloween in upstate NY…rain or shine, New Paltz does it right!
Me and my man heading out to my HS REUNION!
Me & my girls. So much history with these beauties!
Auto-timer capturing the best birthday I’ve had in so long. What a beautiful party. I love these people.
THAT’S A WRAP!
*The very top picture: Izzy and my friend Hanna’s son, Rio (front). It’s been ten years and we (finally) have children, both of whom are full of spunk and sass, just like us.
